Another dark story, but no one — at least, no human — dies. More old stories here.
Father Daniel was extremely pleased with himself, though he cautioned himself not to be prideful. There had been no one in the recent history of the Catholic Church who had been elevated to pope as quickly as he. But he hazarded to think that no one was against his advancement. With all modesty, he believed that he deserved it and, in truth, no one previously had been able to accomplish what he did. Father Daniel (he still thought of himself as ‘Father’) had conquered the Devil. He did not do it figuratively, or on a single individual level — as one might during an exorcism — instead he actually and literally conquered the evil persona known as Satan. This is how it happened.
On Sunday, October 25th, the beginning of that fateful week, Daniel had just completed saying 11:30 mass when the visitation started. It was his first year in the priesthood and he didn’t consider himself particularly devout or sinful – though, in truth, he was more of the latter. During the visitation, Father Daniel was not visited by anyone, rather, he was the visitor. He had been walking from the church to the rectory when he suddenly found himself in Hell.
Daniel found himself in the center of an enormous throne room lit with flickering torches set along the distant walls. At the end of the room toward which he was facing was a glimmering throne, and seated on it was a dark, impressive figure. He immediately knew that this was Hell, and that the being on the throne was Satan.
Satan spoke: “Greetings, Daniel. I challenge you to a contest. If you win, I will amend my ways and allow you to convert me to Catholicism. If I win, I get your soul.”
Father Daniel knew there was no choice. However slim the possibility of defeating the Devil, he must take it. But still he hesitated: “What kind of a contest?”
Satan smiled at his reluctance. “We shall see which of us can got a small animal to come to one of us.” He gestured to a point on the floor midway between them and a squirrel appeared, and sat completely motionless as if it were not alive. “The winner will be the one to hold it in his hand.”
“Why did you pick me?” asked Daniel, still stalling for time to absorb the situation.
“No particular reason,” replied Satan. “Enough of this. Do you accept the challenge?”
Daniel took a deep breath. “I accept,” he said.
“The contest begins,” announced the Devil as, with another gesture, the squirrel stirred.
Father Daniel did not know whether the squirrel would come to him, sensing him as the proverbial ‘lesser of evils’ or if Satan has some trick up his sleeve. But Satan had.
The squirrel regained its senses and looked around for a place to hide. It began to move to the side of the room, moving slightly closer to Father Daniel than to the Devil. Daniel bent toward the squirrel and began to call softly to it, trying his best to act welcoming. Suddenly the squirrel froze and turned its head stiffly towards the throne. Then, moving as an automaton, began plodding its way toward Satan.
He’s controlling it! thought Father Daniel, as the squirrel continued toward the throne, its head occasionally twitching as if its feeble mind were trying to fight the Devil’s control. So he doesn’t have complete control!
Daniel had an idea. He let out a shrill beckoning whistle and watched as the squirrel shot a yard in his direction before the Devil regained control.
Daniel tried again, repeatedly, but his whistles had less and less effect until eventually, the squirrel did not even pause. It had now made half of the journey from the midpoint to the throne, and Father Daniel was out of ideas. Unless…
Daniel reached into his pocket and produced some coins, which he let go rapid fire to land in front of the squirrel — between it and the Devil. He had gotten a few of the coins into the air when something appeared in the corner of the room and said suddenly, “Master, I…” Satan jerked his head in the direction of the newcomer who, Father Daniel could see, was in the shape of a demon with horns atop his head and a barbed tail. As Satan turned his head, the coins that Daniel had launched began landing, and Satan lost control of the squirrel.
The squirrel moved faster than any living thing that Daniel had seen and, before he knew it, the squirrel was running up his left leg. He scooped it up and held it to his chest as the Devil turned away from the charred husk that had been the demon, and he looked toward Father Daniel with comprehension and fury.
“I won,” said Daniel meekly, and then more loudly, “I have won!”
Surprisingly, the Devil accepted his fate and came along willingly, and he, Daniel, and the squirrel appeared outside the priest’s rectory exactly one week after he had disappeared. It was November 1st – All Saints Day.
When, with the unexpected death of the old pope, Father Daniel became the new pope on New Years Day, he was still in the process of converting Satan to Catholicism.
For centuries, men believed that the insane were possessed. Despite modern psychiatry’s conviction that insanity had some biological cause, the Devil knew that insanity was in fact his foothold in the world to accomplish evil. His plan had worked to perfection, and he now stood in control of one of the most-powerful religious organizations in the world – the entire Catholic Church. For how could Pope Peter the 2nd – a name chosen by Daniel to celebrate the Devil’s defeat – not go insane after having to listen to Satan confess his sins?