Category: Funny Stuff

Another silly old story. Classic ‘Tom’ formula (plot twist + death). More old stories here.

The klimmer rolled itself into a ball as the dog approached. The dog sniffed cautiously at the creature, not knowing what to make of it. After a few nudges and a bit of pawing, the klimmer decided to put up with no more and attacked.

Two powerful tentacles lashed out and wrapped around the dog’s head. Tiny teeth along the tentacles sank into the flesh, further supplementing the vice-like grip, making it impossible for the dog to shake the creature free. The dog yelped and whipped its head about in panic as the klimmer began secreting digesting juices, instantly blinding the dog and rapidly dissolving away hair and skin. The dog’s struggles ended abruptly as the juices ate through its skull and into its brain.

The gathered scientists applauded in appreciation. The klimmer began consuming the carcass by enveloping it with its elastic body, much as a snake engulfs its prey, digesting the flesh and bones along the way. It progressed rapidly, and was already past the shoulders and at work on the rib cage.

“Notice, gentlemen,” began Dr. Mumford, the proud ‘father’ of this demonstration, “that the klimmer will not attack unless provoked but, as victor, it does not stop until it has devoured its opponent completely. The clear liquid you see on the floor is almost pure H2O discarded by the klimmer as it focuses on absorbing the more-valuable solids. After consuming this 25 kilogram dog, this 8 kilogram klimmer will nearly double in mass.”

The klimmer had already finished with the dog, and then once again became as motionless as the rock it resembled. Dr. Mumford stepped into the arena in which the demonstration had taken place, careful not to slip on the liquid. “After a kill of sufficient mass such as this one,” he continued, “the klimmer retires into a period of dormancy during which it prepares for reproduction. The unusually fast metabolism of the kilmmer – its inner body temperature has been measured at nearly two hundred degrees celsius – allows it to undergo its high-level mitosis within a few minutes of a sufficiently-large meal. This high temperature also aids in the manufacture and lethalness of its digestive juices.”

Dr. Mumford reached down and picked up the klimmer with some difficulty, as it was deceptively heavy for its size. “During the reproductive phase, the organism will divide into eight to ten parts – each a functioning klimmer in itself capable of devouring the dog that the parent devoured. This should happen any moment now.”

Dr. Mumford set the klimmer down on the floor outside the arena and, a few moments later, the creature seemed to dissolve into many little pieces – each then recognizable as a fully-formed klimmer. He had just enough to hand out to the eager scientists.

“It seems that, at close range, the offspring can communicate telepathically – or perhaps have some sort of shared hive mind. Often, their actions seem synchronized, as nearby klimmers react to a stimulus applied to one individual.”

Dr. Mumford smiled in satisfaction at how well his demonstration had proceeded. “I’m sure each of your respective zoos will be quite pleased with this new addition.”

The scientists examined their klimmers. After a few nudges and a bit of pawing, the klimmers decided to put up with no more and attacked…