Category: Old Poems

Poems written long ago, while a student — before I moved to California and started a family. My old poems tend to be silly, gruesome, or both.

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Badger Name of Tyler [Classic] (20 line poem)

Even my silly poems have gruesome endings.

Came a badger name of Tyler
be a-knockin’ at the door.
Sellin’ brushes from the marshes
he be scrubbin’ on the floor.

Dumps a bushel full of garbage
to be showin’ how they work.
Bendin’ over pail of water
he be scrubbin’ until dark.

He be done in half a minute
he be sayin’ as he goes.
I can tell he be a-lyin’
by the growin’ of his nose.

Comes the Missus from the kitchen
seein’ badger, brush, and pail,
Garbage soakin’ into carpet
she can’t help but start to wail.

Grabs the shotgun from the closet,
shoots the badger in the head.
Takes the body to the kitchen…
Badger soup and homemade bread.

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Strange [Classic] (14 line poem)

Since today is ‘brother day’ [I posted some riddles written with another brother here], below is a poem written with my brother Rob when we were both quite young — early teens? pre-teens?

Silly is good. Weebles, if you don’t know, are toys from my youth [link]

the untiring sound of scraping your dog
the wonderful feel of bumps on a log
the pleasant aroma of reheated gloves
the inflatable raft of your only true love
bowling balls marching from here to Siam
the congested sinus of Lizzie the lamb
the rhythmic laughter of Weebles at play
the croak of a needle that’s lost in the hay
the hum of a hummingbird not told the words
the triumphant bugle of elephant birds
the innocent fungus infesting the crown
the munching of Freetos to Sweet Georgia Brown
the puckered-up thumbprint from sucking your thumb
the end of this poem most surely has come

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Lycanthropy [Classic plus] (32 line poem)

Here’s another of my fully-baked longer poems that I’ve refined over the years. A bit dark, but it has a good structure.

I get these sudden urges.
(urges, urges, urges, urges)
To go howling at the moon.
(at the moon, at the moon)
This tendency emerges.
(merges, merges, merges, merges)
Feel it comin’ very soon.
(very soon, very soon)

My body structure changes.
(changes, changes, changes, changes)
Bushy hair sprouts from my face.
(from my face, from my face)
My whole being rearranges.
(ranges, ranges, ranges, ranges)
My teeth, deadly fangs replace
(fangs replace, fangs replace)

I gobble up small children.
(children, children, children, children)
Leave adults a bloody mess.
(bloody mess, bloody mess)
My habits are bewild’rin’.
(wildrin, wildrin, wildrin, wildrin)
My actions they can’t guess.
(they can’t guess, they can’t guess)

I live as one of you do.
(you do, you do, you do, you do)
‘Til the full moon starts to rise.
(starts to rise, starts to rise)
Then I venture forth to get you.
(hunt you, find you, rend you, kill you)
I may take you by surprise.
(by surprise, by surprise)

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The Edge of Time [Classic] (9 line poem)

It’s a short day since we spent the day in Davis watching Will’s soccer team play in, and win, a tournament. Nonetheless, here’s something old. Seems an exercise in meter.

I had this as an unfinished poem, but I don’t know where it’s going — so I’ve decided to call it finished.

I went to Dunkirk shopping mall
And saw an actor doing mime
Amid the beauty of it all
The subtle move, the flashing ball
The make believe, the hidden wall
The silent poem, soundless rhyme
A voice so near and yet so small
And sending shivers down my spine —
“Beware, my friend, the Edge of Time”

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Reverse [Classic] (4+4 lines each)

I don’t remember doing this, but I found some poems that I’ve written where I made them rhyme in reverse. You’ll see what I mean below.

Cat by a cage
Canary sees it
Same canary
Satisfies cat

which reverses to (say it out loud)

Egac a yb tac
Ti sees yranac
Yranac emas
Tac seifsitas

Note that the first part of the word in each line is the same, and that the syllables align — which rhymes if read backwards. Here are some more. Forward, they all sound like pidgin english.

Hole to be dug
How can we do it?
Rock won’t quite work
Roll it down the hill

Liver and peas
Lived together
Peas ate liver
Peapod now empty

which reverse to

Gud eb ot eloh
Ti od ew nac woh?
Krow etiuq t’now kcor
Llih eht nwod ti llor

Saep eht dna revil
Rehtegot devil
Revil eta saep
Ytpme won dopaep

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The Preacher’s Chair [Classic plus] (32 line poem)

Time to break out one of my full-blown, longer poems. I’ve labeled it ‘classic plus’ because, though I originally wrote it years ago, I’ve ‘stayed in touch’ with it over the years, occasionally rewriting/refining the wording to improve it. My goal has been to take a dozen or so of my complete, longer poems and connect them with a coherent narrative — with the result being something structured like Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland or Through the Looking Glass. I suspect that Lewis Carroll may have followed a similar path — taking a set of poems he had written, extracting the characters, and creating a story around them which allowed the poems themselves to be included.

As the Joker said, “and…here…we…go”

The Preacher comes to visit us
A dozen times a week.
He comes so bless-ed often,
And Lordy does he speak!
At night or noon or morning
You’ll likely find him there;
Screaming out his warning
Astride the Preacher’s Chair.

The Preacher’s Chair is empty
When the Preacher ain’t around.
Grandpa used to sit there
‘Fore the Preacher came to town.
But the Preacher’s got the recipe
For emptying that seat –
Don’t tell the Preacher ‘bout your sins,
He knows when to repeat!

The Preacher talks to Jimmy –
How he lectures to that lad!
Tells him that he’ll go to Blazes
‘Cause he’s been so bad.
But Mama thinks that Jimmy,
He’s been good beyond compare.
And someday when the Preacher’s gone
He’ll fill the Preacher’s Chair.

The Preacher’s Chair is gone now,
But it’ll soon be back.
The Preacher still comes all the time,
And Lordy does he yack!
Now when the Preacher needs to sit,
He can do it anywhere.
‘Cause Jimmy spread a pot of glue
Upon the Preacher’s Chair!

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The Further Adventures of Tweedledum and Tweedledee [Classic/New] (42 line poem)

Tweedledum and Tweedledee are characters from Lewis Carroll’s Alice books. Note that Damascus is not a seaport, which only adds to the lunacy.

Old poem, recently finished.

What got the writing of this poem going was the subtle alliterative wordplay in the first few lines.

“Not the mad, nor the damned,
“Nor the damned mad
“Will carry M’dam to Damascus.
“As for us,” said we,
“For a minimal fee,
“We’ll ferry you there if you ask us.”

She looked on with doubt
As our ears flapped about
And our smiles slowly broadened to grins
“I do need the ride,”
She saw fit to confide,
“But I hear there is danger in twins.”

“Do not fear, do not fret.
“You won’t even get wet.
“As our boat is surprisingly sound.
“It was made from a pail
“With swiss cheese for a sail.
“Only half of our crewmen have drowned.”

We set off at noon
By the light of the moon
Hoping to get there by dawn
We were in a hurry
Which caused her some worry
But we lessened her stress with a yawn

Halfway to our goal
We encountered a hole
On the top of the head of a whale
It was pulling us in
Be we saved with a spin
And continued our path without fail

The ocean was rough
Which made sailing quite tough
Though the boat mostly progressed as planned
It took us a while
But we maintained a smile
And eventually made it to land

She paid us our fare
As she flipped back her hair
And we carried her luggage ashore
We waved her goodbye
With a wink in our eye
And moved on to collect even more

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The Man I Thought I Knew [Classic] (16 line poem)

Though no one knew just how he felt
They could have told you how he smelt
He looked as though about to melt
The man I thought I knew

No one knew just why he stayed
Many hoped the smell would fade
He smelled like something long decayed
The man I thought I knew

The way they spoke was very rude
He did not care how he was viewed
He never seemed to change his mood
The man I thought I knew

But now the man has passed away
But talk of him remains today
His memory will always stay
The man I thought I knew