Mortality

It was inevitable that it would happen at some point — but my dad died. He lived a long life, and generally a happy one — but in the last few years, he was in failing health.

I’ve been fortunate that I haven’t had many close family members die up until now. This is in sharp contrast to my wife who lost her mother while in college, and her father 11 years ago.

Losing a family member creates awareness of one’s own mortality. I’ve been fortunate: I’m healthy, I’m active, and so I haven’t at all been worried about when things will come to a close for me. But now I’m in a different place.

I mean, if I live as long as my dad did, that’s a good thing. He was 94 when he died. That’s a pretty long lifespan. I’m hitting 60 this month. I’d like to think that I’m on track to live at least as long as my dad. But I don’t know.

I guess at the end of the day, one must make the most of their time — so that when things finally end, they have no regrets. It seems perhaps an admission of mortality, but I’m thinking that I need to make a ‘bucket list’ — some documented checklist of all the things that I would like to do before I die.

I guess I need to get that going.

Now What?

So I’ve been trying to figure out what to do with my life.

You might be thinking: What? Tom, you’re turning 60. Your life is pretty established.

BUT, my challenges are:

    • I’m fit and healthy, and am confident I’m going to live a long life. (My parents are 30+ years older than me and still alive.)
    • I’m working in tech (earning good money) — but I’m kind of sick of it.
    • My real passion is around things more creative. If I were confident (at 20) that I could have had a well-paying career doing something artistic (for example), I would probably have gone in that direction.
    • I’m a smart guy (very math-y) and am well suited for working in tech.

So here I am approaching traditional retirement age, and thinking: Is it time to walk away from what I’m doing, and start a ‘second career’? I’ve been working for about 35 years. I could live another 35 years (or more) and have a completely different second career — starting now.

Just thinking about the possibility of walking away from my day-to-day grind is refreshing. My current role is very much reactive — I essentially do what needs doing based on current circumstances. I feel in some ways a ‘pawn’, with my actions determined by a set of chaotic individuals — who do unpredictable things, which I often need to set right.

The challenge is that — as I said above — I’m earning good money. HOWEVER, at the end of this calendar year (now only 3 months away) my stock income drops off by quite a bit — since I’ll have been with my current company for four years, and will have pocketed the last of my incoming stock grant. So then… what?

Do I look for a new tech job (with similar income) which will at least provide different challenges? Or do I pursue something completely different (ignoring the money inflow) that makes me (more) happy? One external opinion is: our financial adviser has told us, given our net worth and post-retirement plans, I could retire now — and we would have enough money to fully enjoy ourselves (travel, etc). Further, it would be tragic if I delayed retirement, but then one of us got sick (or worse) and we couldn’t enjoy our later life.

I don’t know what the answer is, but I’m leaning toward:

    • Walking away from my current  job at the end of the year
    • Assessing other opportunities in tech (to see if there might be one that pays well, but is less bothersome and/or consumes fewer hours)
    • Or stepping away entirely, enjoying ourselves, and returning to the workplace — only as/if needed 

I fortunately look/act younger than I am. So if I needed to re-enter the work world (after being away for X years), I could probably pass as someone not on the edge of calling it quits.


Couple of additional thoughts:

    • If neither of us are working, then we’d have to pay for health coverage out of pocket. We need to ensure this cost is part of the decision.
    • I get 75% of my annual bonus in April — which might encourage me to stick around until then.

Quality over Quantity

Over the past few months, in an effort to advance my art site and writing site, I keep setting goals for myself around the number of writing and art posts I will publish each month. When I define these goals, meeting them seems relatively easy — mostly because I still have old story/poem pieces, plus some old hand-drawn art — that I can scan, clean up, and publish. But there are several challenges in meeting these goals:

    1. Art vs Writing – Spending time with my writings reduces the time available for me to spend with my art, and vice versa
    2. Old vs New – Posting old stuff is interesting, but it doesn’t fulfill my need to be creative
    3. Value – Much of the stuff still unpublished is that way for a reason — because it isn’t necessarily that great
    4. Quality – Framing goals in terms of ‘number of posts’ puts too much emphasis on quantity, and too little emphasis on quality

As such, I think I will now view things differently:

    • Overall View – I will set a goal across all my sites: writing + art + blog
    • Time – I will think of my goal in terms of hours invested, and not in terms of post count
    • Creativity – I will continue to post (occasional) scans of existing writings and art — while also making sufficient time to create new items
    • Other Fun – I will also ensure that I am allowing time for other fun: social events, exercising, enjoying the summer weather, etc.

Side Note – I deleted all games and time-consuming social apps from my phone — to eliminate the time I was wasting on these, and allow more time for creativity and real fun

July! (No I don’t!)

It’s been a crazy and interesting month —

    • We joined the local athletic club on the last day of June (to benefit from a discount) then started going in July. I’ve been generally trying to go every day.
    • We hung out in Healdsburg on July 4 with the Scully clan
    • We had dinner with Kathleen and Calvin on July 8, and Tom and Myrita Henry on July 9
    • I caught COVID — maybe July 4 in Healdsburg, maybe soon after. Was pretty much just like a bad head cold.
    • I quarantined for 10 days, and then tested negative. Luckily Ann (and the others) didn’t get it.
    • We hiked at Bodega Head on July 23 — beautiful
    • We wine tasted at Rombauer on July 25 (left with a case and a half of wine) then had dinner at Mary and Mike’s
    • My dad spent a couple of days at the hospital in early July (to balance his medication) then the rest of July at rehab (to improve his stability)
    • We’re having some org adjustments at work (slow to finalize) which have us pausing some work waiting for things to settle. Bit of a bother.

Neverending Journey

I found this in my old files. Did I write this? — I don’t know. I may have copy/pasted it from somewhere else, but I didn’t record the source. It IS very inspirational, though.


Every action and decision that you make, every minute of every day, is yours, and is a chance to improve or worsen your situation. It is your choice to weep for what you believe others have done, or to make the most of what life has handed you. Every successful person got there one small step at a time. You choose your own path in this world, and if you aren’t yet at your desired destination, then the journey isn’t over. If you fail to get there, then you have no one to blame but yourself.

10 Lonely Days

Well, here I am — in quarantine with COVID. We’re not sure exactly how I got it.

    • It’s possible that I got it on July 4, when we spent the day in Healdsburg, and on the Russion River — including hanging at the downtown Healdsburg square along with hundreds of other people. But I’m the only one from our group who got it, as far as we know.
    • That weekend, we dined in SF with Kathleen and Calvin, who then spent a day at our house. They didn’t get it.
    • We also had dinner with Tom and Myrita Henry. Don’t think they have it, yet. (They didn’t get it.)
    • I went to a store or two, maskless per current mandates.
    • My other outings were our new health club — where I went every day.

Regardless, it’s been 7 days since first symptoms, and I’m supposed to quarantine for 10 days from first symptoms — so 3 more days to go.

How am I doing? I feel like I have a head cold. Bit of a headache, little snotty, tired — but I’m taking over-the-counter medicine to counter those cold-like symptoms. So all that’s left is tired. I’m guessing I got the delta variant. Either way, good thing I’m vaccinated.

I’m still working, but largely lounging about — with frequent pauses. Getting better each day. I’m thinking that, by the end of my quarantine, I’ll be fine.

Biggest pain is keeping away from Ann, who’s tested negative so far. I’m holed up in the master bedroom, and have moved my work desk in here — so I’m great, except for food (which Ann brings me). A bit lonely, and bored…

One interesting side benefit — my knee. I hurt my knee about 1.5 months ago now. It’s been getting better, but slowly. This forced confinement is (I think) giving it time to fully heal. Yay!

Three. More. Days…

Modern Computing | My Journey

In some ways, I feel that I personally have experienced firsthand the full evolution of modern computing technology. Let’s start at the beginning…

Microcomputer: Pre-PC
As a teen, my oldest brother had a tabletop RadioShack microcomputer called a TRS-80. You could almost consider it an early PC (personal computer), though the term ‘PC’ hadn’t become common yet. It had floppy drives, a keyboard, and a text-only display. You could do basic programming on it (lowercase ‘basic’, not the BASIC programming language) to manipulate numbers, etc. I spent some time with it, though it really didn’t interest me that much.

A few years later, as an undergrad at a big engineering school, we used low-end microcomputers similar to the TRS-80 to program in assembly language. (Assembly language, if you don’t know, is a simple set of foundational commands upon which higher-level programming languages are built.) The real advantage of microcomputers is that they were individual — they sat on a desk or table, and were intended to be used exclusively by one person at a time (= ‘personal’ computer). This usage model was revolutionary, because computers to date were large beasts that were shared — like a refrigerator or stove. You’d walk up to it, use it briefly (to run a program), then leave it for the next person to use. These larger shared computers were called ‘minicomputers’ — because they were smaller than mainframes.

Minicomputers: Bigger Shared Beasts
Minicomputers were the size of a desk, or an upright piano. You would feed it a stack of cards that contained your program, it would read and execute, and give you the result. It didn’t store your program — each time you wanted to run your program, you had to re-feed it that stack of cards. We had a minicomputer at my high school, and also in college. These minicomputers handled more-advanced programming languages.

There were several hilarious things about the cards that contained your program for a minicomputer:

    • Order – First, the cards were either punched or were filled out with pencil, with each card representing a line of code. You had to deliver the cards to the minicomputer in the right order, or the lines in your program wouldn’t be in the right order. I can remember in college seeing fellow students carrying a stack of 100+ cards, and accidentally dropping them — forcing them to collect all the dropped cards, and go through the painful process of restoring them to the proper order.
    • Pencil – The other hilarious thing about the cards was: when they were the type where you ‘coded’ them by filling out the dots in pencil (called ‘mark sense’ cards), the pencil marks would wear away after a few reads by the minicomputer, so it would no longer correctly read your program. You then had to go through your card stack with a pencil and darken all the dots to get them back to readable.

Mainframes at a Defense Contractor
Two Steps Forward, One Step Back
Out of engineering school, I hired into a defense contractor. (This was in the 1980s when Republicans were in office and defense spending was strong.) It was a rewarding, well-paying job (but with the overhanging shadow of doubt that you were contributing to technology that helped war — which resulted in the deaths of fellow humans). I was there for four years, then left for greener pastures.

One of the projects I was on (which never launched) involved estimating the time to develop a missile launcher that would ride on an armored personnel carrier (which is sort of an entry-level tank). The estimation exercise was funny because we were purposefully given false numbers about the capability of the missile launcher — because the true numbers were classified, and we didn’t have sufficient security clearance. The false numbers (unsurprisingly) skewed our work estimates — which turned out to be too high for the project to get a green light. 😒 But back to computing…

There are two factors that made it interesting to work at a defense contractor in the 1980s: (1) the technology was behind current industry standards, and (2) the available spend rate was generous. This meant that you were working with older technology — in part, because it was a lengthy process to get new technology approved/certified for use — but, you had the ability to throw money and resources at a problem to address it. Four ‘low-end computing’ examples come to mind:

    • Microprocessors – First, one of my initial assignments was introducing microprocessors to the electronics within the armored personnel carriers (which, again, were like entry-level tanks). So we were chopping out analog circuitry — which I studied in school (‘analog circuitry’ means the logic is executed by a network of simple electronic ‘switches’) and replacing it with microprocessors running software. In our situation, since we were a defense contractor, we needed to use an approved programming language — Ada. (So I took an external class at a local junior college to learn the Ada programming language.) Overall, the project in a nutshell was: remove analog circuitry, drop in a microprocessor running software, and ensure that everything worked the same as it used to work. Kind of crazy, but in concept it set things up for easier future innovation.
    • Mainframe Storage – My second example of dealing with old/outdated technology was around the types of computers that we had to use. For serious computing tasks, we used what were essentially ‘mainframes’, because they were large animals that took up most of a wall with a room. (Individual employees did have PCs which got fancier over time.) These mainframes were programmed in a relatively modern way (though there were stories about people in earlier times who had to flip switches on the face of the computer to program it). The one thing that stands out in dealing with these large computers is the storage device. The removable media that was used to deliver programs wasn’t a CD or a floppy disk, rather it was a large disk drive which was the size of a round garbage can lid — it had a handle in the middle of the top that made it easy for you to lift it out of the device that read it. So if you wanted to change or deliver information/programs to the computer, you would open up this large mini-fridge sized device, take out the large storage media that was there (by grabbing its handle and lifting it out) and then drop the new media in — which again, was a large round flat disc with a handle in the middle of the top.
    • ‘Portable’ Computers – My third example of dealing with old technology was around portable computing. It’s easy today to under-appreciate the sophistication in computing power within portable devices like cell phones. Even laptops with high-quality screens and low-profile keyboards — that are packaged in a way that are easily transportable — are quite innovative. Back at the beginning (decades ago), there wasn’t an easy way to carry around a computing device from place to place. The task to make computing portable at that time essentially was: to take a personal computer and package it in a way that allowed someone to lug it around — which essentially meant: make it flat, and put it into a case that was sort of like the suitcase. We contracted with a third-party to help us test our electronics. They provided a device that we could connect to the electronics that we were developing, and that device would exercise those electronics, and determine how these electronics behaved at the extreme ends of their intended ranges — so you would know whether you need to adjust the electronics to better withstand some real world variability. They brought this test device to our office, and it was this device — a ‘portable’ PC — that was a prime example of portable computing at that time. The device they brought was essentially a plastic suitcase containing a flattened PC with a tiny built-in display — with plugs that you connect to your electronics and test to see how it performed. It was not a light device that they brought — my guess is maybe 30-40 pounds. The guy who carried it around was a pretty big guy. It’s possible that a smaller person might have had much more of a challenge lugging this device from client to client.
    • Distributed Processing – My fourth and final example of encountering, and making the most of, outdated computing was around ‘distributed computing’. Today, with public ‘cloud’ computing, you can send a job off to a server farm owned by Amazon or Google or Microsoft and (realtime) access the computing power that you need to run your job. Way back when, there was no internet or server farms. (I used to be in charge of the ‘network’ at my work — which was really just ensuring everyone could use the printer.) I often had large computing jobs that could take days to run. However, I would instead stay late at work, divide my job up into smaller portions, and run each of those sub-jobs on the computers at other employees’ desks. So I would walk from desk to desk, load my program onto my coworkers’ computers, and run it. And I would do this maybe 20 times. I would then cycle through again, collect the results, and assemble them into a overall whole. Unfortunately for my wife, this kept me late at work some days, but it did allow me to accomplish more than I could have otherwise. What’s interesting about this exercise, is that I had easy access to each of my coworkers’ computers. That is, there were no passwords preventing me from using their computers. Today, though this exercise wouldn’t be necessary, common security practices wouldn’t allow one employee to easily access another employee’s computer.

Moving On
Anyway, wrapping things up, I subsequently moved from the defense contractor to an airline, then a telecom company and, each time, gained some ground in available computing devices — but nothing as drastic as those first four years at a defense contractor in the 1980s.

Hey Hey Hey

…as Rerun used to say (google that reference!)

I wrote and published a new poem just now. It’s nice to exercise that part of me — again.

On a related note, I’ve submitted to be a contributor on a site called Hello Poetry. It’s some clever marketing — there’s a sort of application process where you submit a poem and they judge whether they want you. I’m oddly nervous and hopeful that I make the cut.

Frequency and Wine

Two things.

First, as you can tell by the timestamps on both this and my writing blog, I have (am making?) less time to write since I’ve restarted work after my sabbatical. Not surprising, but sad.

In theory, I could still write a little on days that I work from home — perhaps first thing before I start work. On days that I go into the office, I could write on the bus (though it may be difficult to properly focus) or possibly at lunch.

I need to figure things out.

Second, I am looking for a good blush wine — and they are hard to find. I like how they sit between a red and a white, with more character than a white, but more drinkability (and chillability) than a red.

Though popular in France, blush wines have a bad reputation here and so aren’t that available. I’ve discovered there are two grouping: sweet, like the shunned white zinfandels, and dry, like those in Paris.

The nearby big supermarket, G&G, carries very few, and none with a rating higher than 88 out of 100 — so I figured I’d be fine with Beverages and More, but it’s (surprisingly) the exact same story.

It’s hard to find a well-rated wine online, then purchase it in a local store — since local stores carry so few. So my plan is to flip the process around: research (likely by photographing) the available local blush wine selections, identify those with high ratings, and go back to buy them. This is my weekend project. Wish me luck.